Good and Drowned

It's the day before class
And little Mary takes a ride through the grass
While Big Johnny waits for her to come home
From her summerside roam

Some kid yells at all the old folks
He says, "Hey we got people out here with different strokes"
Why don't you mind your goddamn own
And just run on home

The pavement's on fire
When those big guns from town call for hire
Jilly Janey needs a tough job done right
Or else she won't sleep tonight

The paper rolls into campus
They want to know all about the new fuss
Well Professor Smith won't stand for that
So he picks out his trusty bat

He breaks the chairs and the tables
Then turns them on the students to make some fables
Poor Nick he's caught dead in the crossfire
Stuck out there on the wire

Frosh Fred he's worried and scared
That he's never had love to be shared
So I said, "Don't worry 'bout being alone
Can't you just be your own?"

Well they're all broken and college-bound
Tied down until they're good and drowned

Best Coast Beth runs along the river
She's running from the cold winter, oh how it makes her shiver
The beach bums ask her if she wants any sun on her side
But, man, they don't know the sun's already her bride

Stunning in a silver plastic pile
Halifax Harry pulls up to spend some money for a little while
And all the airheads go running for his hot and heavy hair
While those students protest that it just ain't fair

Light's shining down on the Prit Prat Police
When they arrest Spanish Rosie for not giving them a piece
Of her secret little recipe in a dusty little notebook
Where she drew her dreams how they should look

And some punks from the Southeast
Start pushing up a riot against the good local priest
But we won't have any of that shit out here today
Not while we still got bills to pay

That long-lost loving loser Larry pulls out his phone
To take some pictures of the pretty people and their pet drones
He drops it in the mud and curses at his clumsy feet
“Man,” he cries, “Nothing can beat this summer heat!”

Well they're all broken and college-bound
Tied down until they're good and drowned

All the while Big Bones Bruce sits in a bar
Across the avenue he’s singing his heart out to the stars
I heard him say he pissed on fortune’s clean caviar dirt
So she stained his nice fancy shirt

Spring-Trap Sparty spares them from another cheer
I guess he knows they still have to stay another moody year
He watches as the students paint up a rock all shades and shines
His crown he pays for with all those fines

Still some of them Frat Fracas Gang
Are sure they can rob the people blind with a little bang-bang
But a bit of news puts ‘em behind the law and the wrong kind of bars
And they claim their cause is ours

Tender Scott and Whirly Curly Twirly hold hands
After a long night rolling and rollicking in the sweet summer sands
Their lover’s knot makes Frosh Fred all uneasy and lonely
But let me tell you he ain’t the only

Even some of the students start heading to class
They’re bored of this August and this sickly summer sass
But the bad runner-drummer can’t handle the change or the end
So he ties himself up in a chair and waits for the year to end

And the Baritone Bombardier Brigadier Beaumont Tower
Rings one last time for us all before the April showers
Never-Fake-Always-Fair-Pho hands me a free faux flower
She'll only take it away someday to make me feel sour

Well they're all broken and college-bound
Tied down until they're good and drowned

Out of a window Big Johnny yells down
At the top of his lungs he screams at Mary's frown
"I love you girl!" Please don't go
Take me out to where those green grasses grow